Salt Lake Mental Health

Doomed

Jan 302011

I recently spent several days with someone (who shall remain nameless). I noticed that many times when something did not go her way, she said “Of course”. She only uttered these two words but her tone and inflection implied “Of course it didn’t go my way. That’s just my luck!” If one has a belief that they are jinxed or unlucky, then it is easy to see proof of this belief where ever one goes. We usually magnify incidents that support our belief and minimize events that run contrary to that belief. In this example, any thing big or small that supported her belief that she was born beneath an unlucky star, she notices quickly and even reinforces her negative belief with her words: “Of course”. However, if something good were to happen, she would might say something like “I don’t believe it!”, “That never happens to me” or “Even a broken clock is write twice a day.” I am sure she is not aware that she is minimizing and maximizing to validate her belief system. I am equally sure that she has not consciously taken out her belief system, held up to the light of scrutiny and asked, “Is this REALLY true?”, “Is this what I really believe?” or “Is this belief serving me?” And that’s how people usually operate. Though our belief is a choice, it is often one we overlook. We make decisions (big and small) based on the belief assumptions without question – until something comes along that is big enough to jar us loose from autopilot to question that unchecked belief. That “something” might be as subtle as an article. Maybe even THIS article.
So, what unchecked beliefs are YOU operating on?
Do you think you’re unlucky? Do you think God is against you? Do you think that deep down you’re no good or unlovable? Do you think most people will take advantage of you if they can?
I invite you to think about it. Scrutinize it. If it’s not working for you, you might consider changing it. After all, you are the architect of your life.

Frank Clayton, LPC

The Positive Side of Grief

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Jan 182011

I have been writing five positives on the internet daily for some time now. I wrote an article called “Building Your Positive Muscles” which outlines eight different ways to look on the bright side. In Happiness 101 I have been able to fill entire white boards with positives about subjects you would probably immediately dismiss as “bad”, such as 9-1-1 and World War II. I have become quite masterful at finding the positive in just about everything. Today I find myself grasping to find something positive about grief. As a therapist, I can tell you that the grieving process is essential. I always urge people to be patient with themselves as they go through the process, to not critique their grief or compare it to the grief of others. I will tell you that even in my therapist bag of tricks, I know of no short cut or way to make it easier. I know the only way through it, is through it. There IS one “wrong” way to grieve and that is to not do it at all; to keep one’s self so busy and/or numb to not do the emotional work. So, I see the positive of doing the grieving process – to prevent ourselves from being indefinitely in emotional pain.
But what is the positive of grief itself?
Sometimes when examining something and looking for the positive, I think of what would life be like without it? For instance, if my big toe were suddenly missing, how would my life be different? My balance would be ill effected. My other nine toes would be lonely, etc. So using this same logic, I examine grief. Poof! What if my life were never struck with grief again. And the answer that comes back to me is “GREAT!!” But upon further examination, I realize that I can only grieve deeply because I am willing to love deeply. Were I indifferent to death, I would also be indifferent to life. This is a choice I am simply not willing to make. I would rather have wonderful, deep relationships knowing that SOME day I will lose them, than to wall myself off.

So, today I appreciate my ability to grieve deeply for it tells me that I have allowed myself to love deeply.

Frank

1000 Awesome Things

Happiness, Mental Health No Responses »

Jan 092011

Click to get the book

Neil Pasricha is a regular bloke much like you and me. He’s had his ups. He’s had his downs. During a particularly rough patch of downs he found himself grasping to find a few right things in his life. He found that though his heart ached, he was able to fine many “Awesome” things all around him. In fact, the more he looked, the more he saw. In an effort to start focusing on the positive, he started a blog called 1000 Awesome Things. He did not expect it to go anywhere. In fact for a long time his only subscriber was his own mother. But he kept focusing on and writing about the positives. Soon, he doubled his number of subscribers – his father also subscribed to his blog. Evidently his father knew a lot of people because Neil’s blog started gaining more and more views – into the millions. In fact, without applying, he won an award for the most popular blog in the world! Not long after, he was contacted by a literary agent and commissioned to write a book. “The Book of Awesome” was #1 on the international bestseller list for THIRTY weeks! In his Ted video he says that when the hard times come, you have two choices: you can wallow in your misery or you can grieve and learn and move on with your life. I wanted to share his story because it is a great example of what I teach in Happiness 101: no matter what life throws at you, you always have a choice.

Setting Your New Year’s Resolution

Happiness, Mental Health No Responses »

Jan 022011

If you’re like most people, you just made a New Year’s Resolution.
If you’re like most people, by March your resolution will be a thing of the past and your confidence in your ability to stick to your goals will have slipped another notch.
It’s a shame. It’s especially a shame because the we have so little control over things in the world. But we DO have control over our behaviors; such as our ability to make a goal and stick with a it. A loss of confidence is a loss of hope.
Why do people fail to accomplish their goal year after a year?
They failed to make their goal a habit.
By making a New Year’s Resolution, you are making a LIFE CHANGE. A life change requires a change of HABIT.

Here is a brief exercise to help you “get” the significance of this change.
Fold your arms. PLEASE, actually DO this right now. Don’t just read through this.
No, I’m serious. Please fold your arms.
Great! Thank you.
Now, fold your arms the other way – a way you do not normally fold your arms.
Now, before you continue I ask that you think of 4-5 words you would use to describe how you feel (with your arms folded the “wrong” way).
You probably came up with words like “awkward”, “weird”, “unnatural”, “uncomfortable” or even “wrong”.
Honestly, is there a “right” way or a “right” way to fold your arms? No. There is just different. If I asked you to fold your arms the new way several times a day over the next month, the new way would eventually become comfortable. This is an important thing to know as you are making your life change: discomfort is not necessarily a bad thing. It can even be feedback to you that you are on the right track; feedback that you are doing something different – you are changing your life.
So, how do you successfully fold your arms a new way? How do you keep your New Year’s Resolution?

Let’s start with the essential: the bullet points of creating a good goal.
A good goal needs to have a time frame.
It should be measurable. This also means that you also need to know your baseline.
It should be do-able.
Try to use positive language.
Your goal should be something YOU can control.
For more detail, click here.

For specific tips, click here.

Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

New Year’s Resolution – Tips for Success

Happiness, Salt Lake Mental Health 2 Responses »

Jan 012011

Once you have chosen your goal, here are some tips for success:
“Do, or Do Not”. If you’re going to make a New Year’s Resolution, then DO IT and do it right! Be crystal clear about what it is that you want and why. Is it REALLY what you want – or something you THINK you should want. If you are not properly motivated to complete your goal, you will probably not have enough commitment to see it through.

Keep your goal in front of you. It’s simple. If you can’t remember your goal, you’re not going to accomplish it. I suggest that you find a way to keep your goal in front of you. I have a list that I use every day. If I want to add a new goal, I simply add it to my sheet. If you don’t keep a to-do list, you can keep your goal in front of you by making it the wallpaper on your phone or computer, make it your password or do it the old fashioned way: write yourself a reminder note. ‘Just make sure you move it around – if you don’t keep it fresh, you’ll stop “seeing” your reminder.

Reasonable Resolution: Start out small. Make it almost ridiculously easy. If your goal is to work out every day, start by walking at a leisurely pace for five minutes. It’s not about the sweat and it’s about the habit. You can always expand on your time and intensity later.

Make it Fun/Enjoyable. If there is any way to make your New Year’s Resolution fun or enjoyable, actively seek out a way to do so. Honestly, I do not enjoy exercise. But I do enjoy video games, which why I use my Wii to stay in shape. Find something that works for you and your goal.

Variety. Whether you want to eat healthier food, make more friends, exercise or have more fun, variety, as they way, is the spice of life. When things get rote or boring, we are more inclined to stop doing them. Don’t wait for it to get old. make a plan from the beginning to keep it fresh.

Be smarter than yourself. Try not to get yourself in a position where you’re white-knuckling. Make a plan to outwit your “present self” later. In the moment, your “present self” might think “one donut won’t hurt” and ruin your diet. Outsmart yourself by not buying the donuts in the first place. Beware of “seemingly unimportant decisions” or SUDs. You can usually tell a SUD because the words “just” or “only” is probably in the sentence. “I’ll just have one” or “I’ll only drive by the liquor store”. You know yourself. Plan for weak moments.

Give in – ONCE in a While. If you are too militant about your goal, it may suck all the fun and enjoyability out of it. So, if it is appropriate, PLAN to give in once in a while. I say PLAN because it is too easy to let your “present self” entice you to give in during a weak moment. If you’re really crafty, you might even use your “give in” as an incentive. For instance, let’s say that you have committed to stay within your budget. You could give yourself permission to spend some extra money on yourself if you stay within your budget for a month.

Support. Support is one of THE key predictors of success. In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky lists Support as one of the five keys of Happiness. Friends and family can offer informational support (tell you about support groups, or good books), emotional support (encourage you to keep going if you lose confidence, share in your struggles and triumphs) and tangible support (lend you a book or give you a ride to a class). Accountability is a huge piece of support. It’s one of the reasons Weight Watchers work. Sometimes accountability is one of the primary reasons and benefits my clients come to therapy. You can succeed by telling others about your goal and/or enlisting an buddy to help you succeed.

If your goal in 2011 is to be Happier, join us in Happiness 101. The next semester starts January 12th. Click here for details.

Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Highlights from 2010

Happiness No Responses »

Jan 012011

I wrote these as positives yesterday, but then it seemed appropriate to share it here too:

Click for Video

The Happiness 101 Sky Dive. I already recounted the entire story here on the site. Click here to read it.

Snowball Fight. Getting gangedup on in a snowball fight. I wasn’t wearing a coat or even SHOES!! Leading the way was my daughter quickly followed by my wife and my daughter’s friend. Cheering them on (and videotaping) was my mother-in-law. I wish I could share the video but they made me promise to never go public with it.

Shae is Safe

Finding Shae Maddox. When I look back over the year, when my heart was really full and re-filled for days afterward was when I got the news that Shae Maddox had been found safe. She had run away and was missing for weeks. I was so happy for her mother. So much so that it made my list of highlights for 2010. You’ll probably remember her picture. Celebrate with me that Shae is safe. Here is a link to the post that I put here on the site.

Click for Video

Speaking at ARUP Laboratories. I love talking about the subject of Happiness and in June I had the opportunity to give a one hour talk at ARUP Laboratories. In it, I just hit the highlights of topics covered in Happiness 101 (a six week course). You’re welcome to view the video series. Click here to watch them.

My wife. We celebrated our 21st anniversary this year. It’s definitely been a year of growth for both of us as individuals. Fortunately, we are very good at keeping our finger on the pulse of our relationship. We adapt and grow together. I am so blessed to be her husband.

HAPPY New Year

~Frank

In Memory of Lloyd Cottrell

Happiness, Mental Health No Responses »

Dec 202010

Lloyd Cottrell & friends

Yesterday Happiness 101 lost one of its founding members, Lloyd Cottrell. He has been a wonderful, inspiring member. He always had a story to tell and and twinkle in those big blue eyes. We are better for knowing him. He, his wife, Nadine and daughter Holliann helped to formulate the nucleus of Happiness 101. He was with us during the Happiness Social only one week ago. In fact, this is the last picture taken of Lloyd. I can tell you that I have personally been touched by this man and am a better, happier human being for the experience.

Lloyd Cottrell

In this moment, I allow myself to feel sadness at Lloyd’s passing, knowing that by allowing this feeling to run its natural course, I will return more swiftly back to Happiness and enjoy all of the good, happy memories of Lloyd.

Rest in peace, my friend.

~Frank

Sacred Path

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Dec 172010

It is evening. I have been doing therapy with people much of today. Right now I feel a swell in my heart that is hard to describe. It is beyond the satisfaction of putting in an honest day of “work”. There is something so special, so sacred to me about walking with people on their path. When I gain the trust of the distrustful, when I see hope where once was shadow, when I see a couple exchange small caring touches rather than barbs…. those are moments I store in my heart. Right now, my cup is running over and spilling out before you.
~Frank

Giving Thanks

Happiness, Mental Health No Responses »

Nov 242010

Savoring Life’s Joys is one of the 12 Happiness Habits suggested by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness. Are you DOING that this Thanksgiving? Truly? Have you taken a moment to look at your life and realize just how absolutely amazing you have it?!?! Think about it. Yes. Dare to delve deeper. It’s easy to say “I’m thankful that I have a car.” but what would your life be without that car? Driving to work becomes a bus ride or bumming rides from friends. A trip to the store becomes a completely different experience. Perhaps you don’t own a car and feel that you have the “right” to complain. You don’t need to earn the right to complain. You can complain any time you wish. But what CAN you be grateful for? You can be grateful to the friends that give you the rides. You can appreciate that we have public transportation. Where would you be without it? My mom used to quote, “I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”. It is EASY to focus on the negatives – those muscles are well developed. But what about the positives? Can you speak a positive without polluting it. For instance,
“I am thankful for my washer and dryer” – positive
“I am thankful for my washer and dryer even though they make a lot of noise – less positive.

You can even find positives in supposedly negative events. I have done this exercise with students in Happiness 101. We filled a 3′ x 6′ white board with positives about World War II and on a different occasion 9-1-1 Even the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your life (yes YOU) likely has some positives that came from it. Perhaps afterward you realized you were stronger than you thought or maybe it gave you a new appreciation for your life.

This holiday I invite you to take just 10 minutes to stop, reflect, think, realize, thank and have a HAPPY Thanksgiving.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

P.S. To further beef up your positive muscles, click here

Dropping the Ball as the First Step to Success

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Nov 192010

Many years ago I was given a “kit” to learn the art of juggling. It included three balls and a set of instructions. The instructions were as follows (to the best of my recollection):
One does not learn to juggle three balls immediately. It must be done in steps. First you will juggle one ball, then two and finally three. But first you learn “The Drop”.
The Drop
Pick up one of the balls.
Then you drop it.
Repeat
Continue repeating until you feel that you have mastered this step.

Then, of course, the instructions went on to explain how to juggle all three balls.
This is a WONDERFUL lesson! This simple reframe had a profound effect! By making “The Drop” the first step in the process, I never felt like I made a mistake. Each time I dropped the ball, I simply thought “Oh, that’s the first step”. Imagine if we included “The Drop” as the first step in all our endeavors. If our business failed, we struck out at home plate or stalled the car, we could simply view it as part of the learning process and move on without embarrassment, frustration or self-flogging.

Are there any endeavors from your past for which you are still beating yourself? Perhaps you could reframe that “mistake” as part of the learning process. Forgive yourself. Please?

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Older Entries Newer Entries

Doomed

The Positive Side of Grief

1000 Awesome Things

Setting Your New Year’s Resolution

New Year’s Resolution – Tips for Success

Highlights from 2010

In Memory of Lloyd Cottrell

Sacred Path

Giving Thanks

Dropping the Ball as the First Step to Success

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