You know, my wife is truly amazing. Being with her helps me to see the world in a different way. So, here I am, The Happy Therapist, going into Harmon’s Grocery Store (the one on 33rd South near Bangerter Highway) in search of an appetizer our monthly dinner with friends. Not far inside the store is, what I call, the “cheese island” – that donut shaped kiosk where they sell all the special cheeses (and some meats). I honestly thought the blokes behind those particular counters were just there to answer a few simple questions, like “Where’s the brie?” Little did I know that Danny was a fountain of culinary knowledge. I probably would have gone right on thinking that too – if it were not for my wife. She took a salami sample and began asking Danny very intelligent questions, such as what was so special about the salami that made it more expensive. Danny poured forth this knowledge about the salami, giving us a first hand account of his conversation with its local maker – complete with how he immigrated from Europe and struggled to get the appropriate authorities to give him a liquor license (though the man would not be serving alcohol) that he may make his salami in just the right manner. Further, in the 20 minutes we spent with Danny he educated us about cheese (and where it gets it’s flavor) and what wine goes best with what dish. Danny was mindful about pushing unwanted knowledge on my wife but with a genuine curiosity and thirst for knowledge, she asked more questions, drinking deeply from the fountain of knowledge.

As I watched my wife talking to Danny, I realized that all of us want to be useful. All of us want to feel like we have something special to give. I educate about Happiness. Danny educates about cheese. I love teaching Happiness 101. It fulfills a special place inside of me that has a something exciting to share and without another (genuinely interested) person to share that knowledge with, I think it would feel like being thirsty but never being able to quench that thirst. So, I believe it is for Danny. He knows as much about cheese as I know about Happiness. My wife took the time to stop and not merely SEEM interested or get her needed information and be on her way, but a true interest. I think that made Danny feel very good. I might even go so far as to say it might have made his day. ‘Much as it makes my day (or my week) to teach the science of Happiness to people who are hungry for it.

I tell you this story because I hope you will remember that people in your life want to be heard – REALLY heard. Not just a token effort. Think about it. Have you REALLY listened to your spouse lately? Do you know what’s in their heart? How about your children? Do you know what they are worried about? Did you listen to your friend the last time you met – or did you merely wait your turn to talk so you could talk about what’s going on with you? What about your parents? There’s a line in a song by Mike and the Mechanics called “The Living Years” – “You can listen as well as you hear.” Please. LISTEN. TODAY.

Frank Clayton, the Happy Therapist

I have been writing five positives on the internet daily for some time now. I wrote an article called “Building Your Positive Muscles” which outlines eight different ways to look on the bright side. In Happiness 101 I have been able to fill entire white boards with positives about subjects you would probably immediately dismiss as “bad”, such as 9-1-1 and World War II. I have become quite masterful at finding the positive in just about everything. Today I find myself grasping to find something positive about grief. As a therapist, I can tell you that the grieving process is essential. I always urge people to be patient with themselves as they go through the process, to not critique their grief or compare it to the grief of others. I will tell you that even in my therapist bag of tricks, I know of no short cut or way to make it easier. I know the only way through it, is through it. There IS one “wrong” way to grieve and that is to not do it at all; to keep one’s self so busy and/or numb to not do the emotional work. So, I see the positive of doing the grieving process – to prevent ourselves from being indefinitely in emotional pain.
But what is the positive of grief itself?
Sometimes when examining something and looking for the positive, I think of what would life be like without it? For instance, if my big toe were suddenly missing, how would my life be different? My balance would be ill effected. My other nine toes would be lonely, etc. So using this same logic, I examine grief. Poof! What if my life were never struck with grief again. And the answer that comes back to me is “GREAT!!” But upon further examination, I realize that I can only grieve deeply because I am willing to love deeply. Were I indifferent to death, I would also be indifferent to life. This is a choice I am simply not willing to make. I would rather have wonderful, deep relationships knowing that SOME day I will lose them, than to wall myself off.

So, today I appreciate my ability to grieve deeply for it tells me that I have allowed myself to love deeply.

Frank