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Once you have chosen your goal, here are some tips for success:
“Do, or Do Not”. If you’re going to make a New Year’s Resolution, then DO IT and do it right! Be crystal clear about what it is that you want and why. Is it REALLY what you want – or something you THINK you should want. If you are not properly motivated to complete your goal, you will probably not have enough commitment to see it through.

Keep your goal in front of you. It’s simple. If you can’t remember your goal, you’re not going to accomplish it. I suggest that you find a way to keep your goal in front of you. I have a list that I use every day. If I want to add a new goal, I simply add it to my sheet. If you don’t keep a to-do list, you can keep your goal in front of you by making it the wallpaper on your phone or computer, make it your password or do it the old fashioned way: write yourself a reminder note. ‘Just make sure you move it around – if you don’t keep it fresh, you’ll stop “seeing” your reminder.

Reasonable Resolution: Start out small. Make it almost ridiculously easy. If your goal is to work out every day, start by walking at a leisurely pace for five minutes. It’s not about the sweat and it’s about the habit. You can always expand on your time and intensity later.

Make it Fun/Enjoyable. If there is any way to make your New Year’s Resolution fun or enjoyable, actively seek out a way to do so. Honestly, I do not enjoy exercise. But I do enjoy video games, which why I use my Wii to stay in shape. Find something that works for you and your goal.

Variety. Whether you want to eat healthier food, make more friends, exercise or have more fun, variety, as they way, is the spice of life. When things get rote or boring, we are more inclined to stop doing them. Don’t wait for it to get old. make a plan from the beginning to keep it fresh.

Be smarter than yourself. Try not to get yourself in a position where you’re white-knuckling. Make a plan to outwit your “present self” later. In the moment, your “present self” might think “one donut won’t hurt” and ruin your diet. Outsmart yourself by not buying the donuts in the first place. Beware of “seemingly unimportant decisions” or SUDs. You can usually tell a SUD because the words “just” or “only” is probably in the sentence. “I’ll just have one” or “I’ll only drive by the liquor store”. You know yourself. Plan for weak moments.

Give in – ONCE in a While. If you are too militant about your goal, it may suck all the fun and enjoyability out of it. So, if it is appropriate, PLAN to give in once in a while. I say PLAN because it is too easy to let your “present self” entice you to give in during a weak moment. If you’re really crafty, you might even use your “give in” as an incentive. For instance, let’s say that you have committed to stay within your budget. You could give yourself permission to spend some extra money on yourself if you stay within your budget for a month.

Support. Support is one of THE key predictors of success. In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky lists Support as one of the five keys of Happiness. Friends and family can offer informational support (tell you about support groups, or good books), emotional support (encourage you to keep going if you lose confidence, share in your struggles and triumphs) and tangible support (lend you a book or give you a ride to a class). Accountability is a huge piece of support. It’s one of the reasons Weight Watchers work. Sometimes accountability is one of the primary reasons and benefits my clients come to therapy. You can succeed by telling others about your goal and/or enlisting an buddy to help you succeed.

If your goal in 2011 is to be Happier, join us in Happiness 101. The next semester starts January 12th. Click here for details.

Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

 
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I wrote these as positives yesterday, but then it seemed appropriate to share it here too:

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The Happiness 101 Sky Dive. I already recounted the entire story here on the site. Click here to read it.

Snowball Fight. Getting gangedup on in a snowball fight. I wasn’t wearing a coat or even SHOES!! Leading the way was my daughter quickly followed by my wife and my daughter’s friend. Cheering them on (and videotaping) was my mother-in-law. I wish I could share the video but they made me promise to never go public with it.

Shae is Safe

Finding Shae Maddox. When I look back over the year, when my heart was really full and re-filled for days afterward was when I got the news that Shae Maddox had been found safe. She had run away and was missing for weeks. I was so happy for her mother. So much so that it made my list of highlights for 2010. You’ll probably remember her picture. Celebrate with me that Shae is safe. Here is a link to the post that I put here on the site.

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Speaking at ARUP Laboratories. I love talking about the subject of Happiness and in June I had the opportunity to give a one hour talk at ARUP Laboratories. In it, I just hit the highlights of topics covered in Happiness 101 (a six week course). You’re welcome to view the video series. Click here to watch them.

My wife. We celebrated our 21st anniversary this year. It’s definitely been a year of growth for both of us as individuals. Fortunately, we are very good at keeping our finger on the pulse of our relationship. We adapt and grow together. I am so blessed to be her husband.

HAPPY New Year

~Frank

 
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Lloyd Cottrell at the Happiness Social

Lloyd Cottrell & friends

Yesterday Happiness 101 lost one of its founding members, Lloyd Cottrell. He has been a wonderful, inspiring member. He always had a story to tell and and twinkle in those big blue eyes. We are better for knowing him. He, his wife, Nadine and daughter Holliann helped to formulate the nucleus of Happiness 101. He was with us during the Happiness Social only one week ago. In fact, this is the last picture taken of Lloyd. I can tell you that I have personally been touched by this man and am a better, happier human being for the experience.

Lloyd Cottrell

In this moment, I allow myself to feel sadness at Lloyd’s passing, knowing that by allowing this feeling to run its natural course, I will return more swiftly back to Happiness and enjoy all of the good, happy memories of Lloyd.

Rest in peace, my friend.

~Frank

 
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It is evening. I have been doing therapy with people much of today. Right now I feel a swell in my heart that is hard to describe. It is beyond the satisfaction of putting in an honest day of “work”. There is something so special, so sacred to me about walking with people on their path. When I gain the trust of the distrustful, when I see hope where once was shadow, when I see a couple exchange small caring touches rather than barbs…. those are moments I store in my heart. Right now, my cup is running over and spilling out before you.
~Frank

 
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Savoring Life’s Joys is one of the 12 Happiness Habits suggested by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness. Are you DOING that this Thanksgiving? Truly? Have you taken a moment to look at your life and realize just how absolutely amazing you have it?!?! Think about it. Yes. Dare to delve deeper. It’s easy to say “I’m thankful that I have a car.” but what would your life be without that car? Driving to work becomes a bus ride or bumming rides from friends. A trip to the store becomes a completely different experience. Perhaps you don’t own a car and feel that you have the “right” to complain. You don’t need to earn the right to complain. You can complain any time you wish. But what CAN you be grateful for? You can be grateful to the friends that give you the rides. You can appreciate that we have public transportation. Where would you be without it? My mom used to quote, “I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”. It is EASY to focus on the negatives – those muscles are well developed. But what about the positives? Can you speak a positive without polluting it. For instance,
“I am thankful for my washer and dryer” – positive
“I am thankful for my washer and dryer even though they make a lot of noise – less positive.

You can even find positives in supposedly negative events. I have done this exercise with students in Happiness 101. We filled a 3′ x 6′ white board with positives about World War II and on a different occasion 9-1-1 Even the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your life (yes YOU) likely has some positives that came from it. Perhaps afterward you realized you were stronger than you thought or maybe it gave you a new appreciation for your life.

This holiday I invite you to take just 10 minutes to stop, reflect, think, realize, thank and have a HAPPY Thanksgiving.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

P.S. To further beef up your positive muscles, click here

 
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Many years ago I was given a “kit” to learn the art of juggling. It included three balls and a set of instructions. The instructions were as follows (to the best of my recollection):
One does not learn to juggle three balls immediately. It must be done in steps. First you will juggle one ball, then two and finally three. But first you learn “The Drop”.
The Drop
Pick up one of the balls.
Then you drop it.
Repeat
Continue repeating until you feel that you have mastered this step.

Then, of course, the instructions went on to explain how to juggle all three balls.
This is a WONDERFUL lesson! This simple reframe had a profound effect! By making “The Drop” the first step in the process, I never felt like I made a mistake. Each time I dropped the ball, I simply thought “Oh, that’s the first step”. Imagine if we included “The Drop” as the first step in all our endeavors. If our business failed, we struck out at home plate or stalled the car, we could simply view it as part of the learning process and move on without embarrassment, frustration or self-flogging.

Are there any endeavors from your past for which you are still beating yourself? Perhaps you could reframe that “mistake” as part of the learning process. Forgive yourself. Please?

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

 
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Thursday I got sick. It hit hard and fast and I felt awful. In making positivity my practice, I learned that my experience of the cold was very different than any I had experienced in the past. For one: I did not complain. That is not to say that I did not tell my wife of my symptoms – I did. But I did not keep telling her my symptoms over and over. I didn’t moan either. In fact, to myself, I quietly repeated the positive affirmation “I am healthy.” The other deviation was that I was pleasant to be around. Traditionally I have given myself permission to be quite grumpy in the past, justifying my behavior with my illness. I guess I must be doing a good job of rewiring my brain for Happiness because this notion actually seemed strange to me in my current mindset. The other thing I did right was something I have done right in the past: I also asked for what I wanted. Specifically, medicine, aspirin and a sherbert float with 7up. I also asked her to take my temperature (101). I had heard about this nasty bug going around. The rumor was that it hits hard and fast and vanishes in about 24 hours. Mine lasted about 18. Did positivity help to cure me faster? I can only speculate. I can tell you that having a more positive attitude during my illness did, at least emotionally, made me feel better. It’s amazing how once positivity has seeped down into your way of life it effects how you deal with everything: big and small, good and bad, health and sickness.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

 
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When you are feeling good, it is hard to imagine feeling terrible.  Likewise, when you are feeling terrible, it is hard to imagine feeling good.  For another person to assure that you’ll get over it soon and be back to  your old self can, in those moments, seem like hollow good wishes.  You will probably smile wanely, knowing the good-wisher means well but feel little comfort.  ”How can they say that I will feel better?  How do they know?  They’re not me”.   This is true.  This is exactly why I encourage people to write a letter to themselves.  Writing a letter to your (maybe someday) depressed self while you are feeling right with the world can be a powerful tool to help pull you out of the depths of depression.  The longer and more detailed the letter, the better.  You want to paint a detailed picture for your depressed self – not just that life is good, but specifically why life is good.  Tell yourself how much you enjoy your life now, how good it can be and the things you appreciate.  You might also remind yourself of all the little tricks that you used to help yourself reach a great state of mind – leaving yourself a trail of bread crumbs back to the road of happiness.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

 
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There are a lot of different kinds of super powers: invisibility, elasticity, speed, agility, mind-reading – but I have never heard of someone having the ability to instantly ascertain relatedness.

My wife is from Alaska and she knows a lot of people. Whenever we meet someone that once lived in Alaska – (or even knows someone that did) I watch and listen carefully. Without fail, my wife is able to find some kind of connection to that person within ten minutes. No lie.

This phenomenon happens well in my wife’s case because 1) she is well connected and 2) Alaska is an unusual state. I am originally from the Los Angeles area. If I meet someone new from that area, I usually make no effort to find a connection. Why? Because 1) it has been over 20 years since I lived there and 2) the population of L.A. is FAR more than all the people of the great state of Alaska.

But I would be willing to bet that if somehow we DID have the superpower to see connection, I am sure that the distance between ourselves and “strangers” would be much narrower than we imagine. In fact, I bet it would be more difficult for us to find people that were NOT connected, than it would be to find people of three degrees of separation or less.

Maybe, when Facebook has been up and running for a couple more years, relevance will become more and more apparent. Until then, I can dream and watch my wife work her magic.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

 
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To view part 1 of this segment, click here.

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It was a fast turn around. Our group (Teresa, Julie and Kathy (as observer) were standing right by the runway. Allen and his group were still landing as Cheyenne got off the plane. Immediately we climbed in. Spirits were (pardon the pun) high on the way up. We laughed and joked. Teresa looked out the window a lot. I later found out why: she had NEVER been up in a plane before at all. Wow! Kathy was unable to jump because of an ankle injury, so she opted to ride up with us – and smiled broadly the whole time. Julie said she was excited and smiled a lot, quick to give a thumbs up. I was the first one out the door.

Luckily I remembered to bring my tandem master (Brian) and videographer (Mike). The fall itself is violently loud. I had to breathe through my teeth – otherwise I would get more air than I could handle. I was, after all, falling at a rate of about 130 miles per hour. Time falling is about 60 seconds, which seems like a long time when you start out at 13,000 feet. The drift down is by far my favorite part. Everything is beautiful from that perspective. Brian took me into a couple of hard spins – to the point that my feet swung out almost horizontally (or so it seemed). My wife later said she could hear me Whoo Hooing from the ground. The landing was smoother than jump #2 (I jumped about six weeks ago) and got to watch Teresa and Julie drift in right after me.

Click here to watch Teresa

Teresa was ALL smiles and when I asked her if she would do it again, she said “Heck yeah!”. Julie’s landing was graceful and she was just beaming. She said it was a lot of fun and that she was glad she celebrated her birthday with us. Julie’s grandson, Donovan went up with the third plane as an observer and gave it a thumbs up when he returned.
We gathered together all the jumpers and raised our glasses in a toast to Happiness 101. Immediately afterward I gave all jumpers a signed certificate acknowledging that they had “Jumped for Joy” with Happiness 101.
Everyone was very helpful with the clean-up afterwards, which I really appreciated. I also made a deal with SkyDive Utah to get a copy of everyone’s video, so I will be sharing them with you as I get permission.
I want to thank my wife, Debbi, for all of her hard work to make this special day a success. She donated her Saturday to the cause – that’s huge! She packed the car, which was no small feat: a big table, a card table, 16 folding chair, a cooler, a water dispenser, a huge happy face ball and a variety of party favors. She helped set up and tear down. Debbi comforted, cheered, encouraged and celebrated with us. She also played the role of garbage collector and videographer. Thanks, Debbi! I owe you big time.

Next year I am hoping to jump again, except I would like to do it for a cause. Next week is the Walk for NAMI (The National Alliance for Mental Illness). So in 2011 I hope we can do a JUMP for NAMI. Stay tuned.

~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

To view part 1 of this segment, click here.

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