2010 April » Salt Lake Mental Health

The Language of Love

Apr 302010

In my experience as as a counselor, I find poor communication to be the culprit in most marital strife. As part of that miscommunication is: the signal sent is not necessarily the signal received. One of the most damaging of these miscommunications is a distortion in the language of love. Take a moment to consider:
How do you really feel love? Think of times where someone has done or said something that REALLY made you feel loved.
Conversely, how do you express love? If you want someone to know that you really love them, what do you do or say?
Suppose the way you say “I love you” is via gifts but the way your mate feels “I love you” is by spending quality time? Then your gift may not be appreciated and worse yet your mate may not feel loved. Maybe said mate is trying to tell you “I love you” by asking to spend time together, but you are too busy earning the money to buy the gift which you hope will let them know how much you really love them. In the meantime your mate may feel unloved.

The 5 Love Languages

In his book, The 5 Love Languages , Gary Chapman does an excellent job of explaining the five different languages of love: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts and acts of service. On his website (www.5lovelanguages.com) you can take a brief test to find out what your primary love language(s) is/are. You can find his book at the local Borders or Barnes & Noble. I recommend reading it together. You can (literally) get on the same page, Kindle and rekindle the flames of love in no time.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Happiness 101 is a Gift

Happiness No Responses »

Apr 282010

Greetings! With the tremendous growth of Happiness 101, I have had many people tell me that it is time to charge for the class. Some have told me I need to mass market the class because Happiness is, after all, what everyone wants. I certainly could do that and probably make a handsome profit. Charging for the class has never felt quite right to me but I could not put my finger on exactly why.

I have been told by many that participants will value the class more if I charge for it. I think there probably is SOME truth to this statement. I know that when I was paying for my own college, I paid a lot more attention than I did in high school, just because I wanted to get my money’s worth – even if I did not particularly like the class. Still, charging for the class just did not feel right.

I was told that giving the class for “free” cheapened its value. This logic resonated with me a bit as well. How many sales pitches have started with the word “free”. “At least charge $5″, they tell me. To this suggestion I was always appalled. I know the amazing value the class brings to people. It has brought hope to people who were hopeless, helped people climb from the depths of depression and given happy people more tools for their tool belt and an opportunity to meet like-minded people. If I was ever to charge for the class, it would certainly be more than $5

My best attempt to explain my stance on offering the class for free has been to ask people to imagine greeting a friend with a hug, stepping back and saying “Okay, that’ll be a dollar.” It just would not feel right. So, after much discussion with several different people I decided that Happiness 101 is no longer “free”. Happiness 101 is a GIFT. I give it freely and without expectation of monetary gain. I do, however, consider myself to be paid in full though no money has changed hands. I am paid in what Tal-Ben Shahar calls, The Ultimate Currency (book: Happier). It fills me with happiness and joy to teach the class and I feel as though I get as much from my students as I give to them as the teacher – and, by the way, frequently the students ARE my teachers.

I do like the mass marketing idea however. So much so that I am going to do it. However, I will not be peddling DVDs and/or CDs. I will be releasing this imperative information on the free market through YouTube and iTunes. I believe strongly that Happiness is something that everyone should have access to and be able to afford.

Happiness 101 just celebrated our one year anniversary. It started out in the waiting room of my private practice. Though the room the room could comfortably hold a dozen people, it was clear that we were outgrowing the space. I want to thank Ace Test Prep for coming to our rescue by allowing us to use their class room, which has allowed our attendance to grow. This week we celebrated our biggest class ever – 21 people! You can thank Ace Test Prep by directing anyone you know that might be prepping for the LSAT, GMAT, MCAT or DAT tests to their website: www.acetestprep.com ‘Tell ‘em we sent ya.

Buy it!

I want to thank everyone who has supported Happiness 101 by letting their own light shine, by bringing in new people and by teaching others what they have learned about Happiness, thereby spreading its effect far and wide. Studies have shown that Happiness is contagious (see the DVD “This Emotional Life” hosted by Dan Gilbert). Just by you becoming happier, you can “infect” people you do not even know. Finally, I want to thank Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness. With all of the studying I have done about Happiness, I return to her book over and over again. If you truly want to be Happy, start by buying her book.

Join us for Happiness 101, Mondays at 7pm. The address is 220 East 3900 South #11, Salt Lake City, Utah. You can always look at upcoming classes by going to www.saltlakementalhealth.com and clicking on the Upcoming Events tab or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Take Responsibility For Your Happiness

Happiness, Mental Health 1 Response »

Apr 212010

A must for harnessing your Happiness is taking responsibility for it.

In Happiness 101, we have four rules: no blame, no shame, no guilt and no complaining. These were dubbed the Happiness Robbers but Marci Shimoff in her book Happy For No Reason. The earmark of a Happiness Robber is avoidance of full responsibility, opting instead to be mired down in victim hood. It is important to clarify that there IS a time and place for blame, shame, guilt and complaining. But when they are used as excuses to avoid taking responsibility for your life and your Happiness. This can be easier said than done. On the one hand, taking full responsibility means that you have the power to make changes and that can feel VERY empowering. However, this also means that IT’S ALL ON YOU to make choices that will make you happy. Let’s face it: it is easier and more convenient to blame our spouse, our boss or our friends for our predicament. The price we pay, however, is remaining stuck and feeling helpless – a victim.

You might say “Oh, but I REALLY do not have control over this situation. I am stuck and there is nothing I can do.” The answer is the serenity prayer. If you have never heard it, I offer it to you now:
“Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” So, if I am blaming my unhappiness on the recession, then I am powerless to be happy because the economic state of the nation is beyond my control. However, I AM in control of my personal finances and I am in control of my attitude. Sometimes what we have control over may be in question. Do you have control over your spouse, your boss or your friends? No. Our sphere of direct control is really quite limited. Of course we can help or hinder various processes through our behavior, but do we honestly have control? For instance, I can work hard, always show up for work and laugh at all of the bosses jokes, but does that mean I will get the promotion? Maybe but maybe not. We can do things in hopes of achieving a certain result, but many times that hoped-for result is out of our control.
I know. This can be very challenging to think about how limited your control really is. However, in my practice as a therapist, I see people frustrated and feeling depressed because they are attempting to control something that is not within their control while ignoring the things that truly ARE within their control (Disclaimer: I am not thinking of anyone specific as I write this – promise!). If we take control of our thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, WE control our happiness.
A wonderful example of this is Nelson Mandela (see recent movie review of Invictus). Here was a man wrongly imprisoned for 27 years. I don’t think anyone would have blamed him for being bitter and/or hateful. But Nelson Mandela refused to be a victim of his oppressors. He recognized that though he was imprisoned that he was the master of his fate, the captain of his soul.
Now that you have this knowledge, I challenge you to take full responsibility for your life -AND your Happiness.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

The Upside of Social Comparison

Happiness, Mental Health No Responses »

Apr 162010

Like many things, social comparison can be wielded for good or for bad.

In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky dedicates an entire section to the topic of social comparison. If we are thinking “I’ll be happy when I get a better car than the Jones’” then we are indulging in one of the myths of Happiness (I’ll be happy if/when). But there is a positive side to social comparison. Competition can inspire us go push ourselves further than we ever thought we could go. ‘Just look at the Olympics. Due to fierce competition, human beings have pushed themselves to feats previously believed to be impossible.

There is another kind of social comparison that is inspirational. When we look at someone who had fewer opportunities than we but has excelled in the face of adversity. At the 2009 TedMed conference in San Diego, Paralympian Aimee Mullins purports that the only real obstacle she had to overcome was other people’s perceptions of her living without legs as a disability. In her speech, she said, “The question isn’t whether or not you’re going to meet adversity, but how you’re going to meet it” As a man with two legs, it is hard to look at this amazing woman and not be inspired. I highly recommend viewing her speech (click here).

I find that the words “I can’t” get stuck in my throat when I watch Butch Lumpkin playing golf with no arms. I remember that success means getting up one more time than you fall when I watch Nick Vujicic do just that with no arms AND no legs (check out his website: www.lifewithoutlimbs.com )

And Reba and Lori Schappel can literally turn our concept of happiness on its head. Though twins, they claim to be exact opposites of one another. Reba is somewhat introverted and likes to sing country music. Lori is the outgoing one. She works in a hospital and hopes one day to marry and have children. One thing they DO have in common is their head. Reba and Lori are conjoined twins connected at the skull. The women report that they are very happy and cannot imagine why anyone would want to separate them. As Dan Gilbert points out in his book, Stumbling On Happiness, if they say they are happy – who are we to argue?

What I do know is that in these amazing stories of physical challenges I find myself inspired. I feel even more grateful to have two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes and one head. I wonder if I have maximized my potential. When I look at these amazing people, I know I can do more and be more. Not for petty praise but to simply be the best human being I can be.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Movie review: Invictus

Uncategorized 1 Response »

Apr 112010

Invictus is the story of Nelson Mandela following his release from prison. After 27 years of wrongful imprisonment it would be very easy for him to be bitter and even revengeful toward his jailers. When he was voted in as president of South Africa he could have used his power to punish his oppressors. Instead, he used the “weapon” of forgiveness. His black countrymen were very bitter and ready to fight. But President Mandela encouraged them not only to forgive but embrace their oppressors as fellow countrymen. He acknowledged this as no small feat but challenged them to surprise their former enemies with their kindness and compassion.

Instead of the battlefield, Nelson Mandela used a playing field of rugby. Instead of fighting among themselves, he used the fierce competition with other countries to unite his own. This movie is a wonderful reminder of how one man can make an enormous difference. How did he do it? How was he able to forgive his captors and inspire a nation to do the same? A poem. In Happiness 101 I constantly remind students of their power of choice and educate and warn about Happiness Robbers, the agents of victimhood. Nelson Mandela chose. His choices reflect an unwaivering goal: to peacefully unite his nation.

Here is the poem that inspired Nelson Mandela. Let it do the same for you.

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Needless to say (but I am going to say it anyway), I highly recommend Invictus – especially if are ever feeling powerless or depressed.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Happy vs. Happier

Happiness 1 Response »

Apr 052010

I have learned. When if ask a person struggling with depression, “Would you like to be happy?”, I am usually met with a long list of reasons why they cannot be happy. However, when I ask a person struggling with depression, “Would you like to be happier?” the answer is usually “yes”.
When I ask a happy person “Would you like to be happy?”, I usually get a cheerful “No thanks. I’ve got that covered.” But, again, when I ask the happy person, “Would you like to be happier?”, like the person struggling with depression, they usually answer “yes”.
Happiness is not a destination. This is one of the myths of happiness: to believe that if we hone just the right key, the tumblers of life will fall into place and we will arrive at the elusive place called Happiness and will, of course, live “Happily ever after”.
It takes mindfulness and effort in the right areas.
The good news and bad news about Happiness is that most people are looking for Happiness in the wrong places. Even when they do get a taste of it, Happiness quickly fades. Why? The answers are taught in Happiness 101. I teach scientifically proven methods. The answer is a resounding “YES! YOU CAN BE HAPPIER”. Join us. 7pm Mondays. The class is free. You have nothing to lose but your frown.
Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

YOU Can Make a Positive Difference

Happiness No Responses »

Apr 012010

Once upon a time, I worked at a residential treatment center (RTC) for teens. When parents reached a point where they did not know what to do with their child and felt that their kid was in danger of hurting themselves or others (through a variety of means) – in other words they were at their wit’s end – they would send them to such a facility. It was here that I saw first hand what a fundamental shift can happen when one focuses on the positive rather than the negative. At this RTC there were four different houses. One of the houses was struggling significantly. The staff were burned out and there was a great deal of acting out behavior by the youth. A nurse there said she could feel the negative vibe emanating from the house. Something had to be done. The powers that be decided to rotate the staff so that the teens had a fresh new team to work with. Before day one, the staff huddled and decided that they were going to do two things: enforce the rules and accentuate the positive. In other words they were going to focus on what was RIGHT instead of what was wrong. Three days later, the aforementioned nurse said when she walked into the house, she knew a significant change had occurred. The students were more than just compliant they were happy, courteous and kind to one another. They did their chores with little complaint and began complimenting one another as staff had done to them. Not surprisingly, the staff was happier too. From this movement sprouted the Positive Difference Program. When staff saw students going above and beyond, they gave them a Positive Difference card, describing how they had made a positive difference. Attached was a ticket that allowed them to participate in a drawing for prizes at the end of the week. Though initially cards were only given from staff to students, it was not long before students wanted to give them to each other. It went so far that students wanted to give them back to staff and to their parents. As you may imagine that within a month’s time, the house had gone from one with a bad reputation to being the house everyone (staff and students alike) wanted to be.
This idea was started by one person. One person that decided to focus not on what was wrong, but what was right; to compliment rather than criticize. It radiated out and changed their focus. It changed their entire way of thinking and permanently changed lives.
What do YOU focus on? What impact do you make? Because whether you realize it or not, you already impact others. Is it a positive one or a negative one (or something in between)?
YOU can make a positive difference – in your immediate family, your extended family, your work, your friends your church and beyond – even strangers on the street.
Be aware. Decide. Act.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

P.S. Attached is a short movie by Kurt Kuenne showing how one person can make a big difference

Validation

The Language of Love

Happiness 101 is a Gift

Take Responsibility For Your Happiness

The Upside of Social Comparison

Movie review: Invictus

Happy vs. Happier

YOU Can Make a Positive Difference

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