2009 December » Salt Lake Mental Health

“Happily Ever After”

Dec 302009

According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, one of the myths of happiness is “I’ll be happy when…”. For instance, “I’ll be happy when I am out of debt”, and “I’ll be happy when I get that promotion”. But one of the most rampant myths of this kind is “I’ll be happy when I get married”. In many Disney movies, when the boy gets the girl, they end it with very sweet tagline “and they all lived happily ever after”. Unfortunately this is a set-up. The falling in love and saying “I do” is just the beginning. Happiness in marriage does not just magically happen. I have been teaching the Happiness 101 class since April ’09 and one of the key points in happiness is CHOICE. Unless your marriage certificate came complete with Tinkerbell’s magic wand, either or both spouses have the choice to behave angrily, jealously, with pettiness or disinterest. They could also make the choice to behave affectionately, compassionately, lovingly or attentively. Even when love is expressed, the signal sent is not always the signal received. She might be expressing her love through attention, while he might be expressing his love through physical touch. In his book “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman outlines the many different ways one might feel love or attempt to express love. When you really want to tell someone you love them, how do YOU express that? How does it really cut through to you that someone loves you? Was it the little considerate thing they did, or the diamond earrings? There is much to know and learn about love and happiness. For now, have hope. Statistically, married people are happy (Lybomirsky, The How of Happiness). Of course be careful with statistics. Not all happy people are married and not all married people are happy. Happiness, whether married or single, is a CHOICE.

Happiness – NOT?!?

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Dec 282009

While doing my home opportunities* from the Happiness 101 class, I have stumbled on some interesting things to be happy about – things that did NOT happen. Many people will point out one bad thing that happened during the day and announce how it ruined their “whole day”. But what about when these things do NOT happen? Think about things in the past that have ruined your day. Now, that you have a short(?) list of such occurances, can you be grateful that those things did NOT happen today? For instance, in the past I have slipped and fallen on the ice, resulting in sore spots that lasted for days. Last night I shoveled the entire driveway and walkway and I did not fall once – so I felt happy about that. Stopping to appreciate the absence of such mishaps, makes me feel just as good as expressing appreciation for good things that do happen.

In Happiness 101*, we do Home Opportunities (not home “work” – because that sounds…. like WORK). This Home Opportunity takes 2-3 minutes out of your busy day. It is simply to write down five positives during your day. It need not be big or an accomplishment per se. It could be something as simple as “The sun came out today” – (can you imagine what a bad day we would be having if the sun did NOT come out?) Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology did a study that demonstrated a 94% improvement rate with clients who were severely depressed – just by doing this one thing! It seems to work best either when starting or ending your day. Give it a try. Maybe you could even make it your New Year’s resolution. HAPPY New Year!

Let Your Heart Be Light

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Dec 242009

Happy Christmas While doing the holiday thing, I was listening to Christmas music. A short little line in the song “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” caught my ear – “Let your heart be light”. A part of me said “Ho Ho HOLD it!” LET your heart be light? It implies your heart or spirit is already light but we make it heavy much of the time. More importantly that with a little effort we can CHOOSE to LET our heart be light. Can’t we choose every day to let our heart be light? Maybe, just MAYBE, every day can be Christmas. Let your heart be light this Christmas and every day – if you choose.

What does Heaven look like on a Daily Basis – Part III

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Dec 182009

Is there work in Heaven?
“Work” has been made into a four-letter word by many, but has work gotten a bad rap primarily because most people who work have a “job”. In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar differentiates between a job, a career and calling. A job is something you do simply to pay the bills. Most people dread going to their job because it lacks pleasure and meaning. A career is definately more pleasurable than a job but the underlying motivation, purports Ben-Shahar, is extrinsic rather than internally motivated; focusing on promotions, money, power and/or prestiege. A calling, however, is something one does because they love doing it – it is intrinically driven.
Returning the question, is there work in heaven? If so, what kind of work would you do in heaven?
NOW: Why are you not doing that work now?

Stuck at Work?

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Dec 142009

Do you dread getting up for work?
While at work, do you watch the clock, eager to get back home?
Conversely, do you think you SHOULD be happy in your job, but just do not feel it?

Sadly, many people feel this way. The average person spends a good bulk of their time AT work. In Happiness 101 we teach about choice and taking full responsibility for your own Happiness. It is for this reason we abide by four rules: no blame, no shame, no guilt and no complaining. These rules are inspired by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of the amazing book, The How of Happiness (see my book review). She dubbed blame, shame, guilt and complaining as Happiness Robbers because they rob us of our CHOICE to be happy. In regards to YOU and your job situation, please notice the thoughts that come up for you when I say “You can be happier at work”. Do you whip our your laundry list of reasons you cannot be happy in your job? Or, worse, do you with a heavy sigh categorically dismiss the idea with “Nah”?
Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you CAN, or you CAN’T, you’re right!” So, if you steadfastly believe you cannot be Happier, then I am sure that will be your reality. If you have even a little hope that you could be Happier in your job NOW (not when you get the job you REALLY want, or get the promotion or raise), then join us tonight for Happiness 101. It is a FREE weekly class about Happiness I teach every week. It is based on studies and empirical research, not just fluff that sounds good. All you have to lose is your frown.
Class starts at 7pm. Address: 220 East 3900 South #7. If you have any questions, call 801-262-0317 for recorded information or E-mail me at frank@saltlakementalhealth.com
~Frank

What does Heaven look like on a Daily Basis – Part II

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Dec 112009

On December 9th I posted the question: What does Heaven look like on a daily basis?
If you have not yet read it, please stop and do so. I would invite you to thoroughly think about it and ideally even write about it before reading on.
Before addressing the question, let me first throw in a disclaimer: this discussion is not about religion. For most, Heaven represents the ideal life – the ultimate Happiness.
I cannot stress strongly enough, to please think about the question in terms of the DAY TO DAY life in Heaven. Assuming you believe in the concept of Heaven, your initial thoughts are probably of the grandeur of it all. But after you have been there for a while, what would your day to day experience be? Do you have a job? Do you learn new things? Is your family there? Do you have a home? For that matter, do you even have a body? How old would you be? Would you look like the day you died or would you look your ideal age? Is there money of some kind in your ideal Heaven?
Obviously the answer to these questions is highly subjective.
Many conceptualize Heaven as a place where there is no conflict. If, here on earth, cousin Suzie can’t stand Aunt Edith, does that conflict magically stop at the pearly gates? Does this mean that we no longer have true free will? Would we be so enamored by the luster and beauty that we would lose our desire to squabble? Think about it. Think about it all the way through. Most people envision being reunited with loved ones. Truly. If you argue and bicker at Thanksgiving, do you think it would be different in Heaven? If you envision it to be different, HOW would it be different?
The old saying, “Whereever you go, there you are” comes into play here. The average person here on earth complains 70 times a day. 80% of our daily thoughts are negative (45,000 of 60,000 thoughts per day) (Sonja Lybumirsky, The How of Happiness). If that is true here on earth, do you envision it magically different on the other side? If so, I invite you to speak or write the magic spell, such as, “In Heaven we have free will but when we are about to say something nasty, our mouth magically zips shut”. Does it ring true?
You have undoubtedly heard the phrase “heaven on earth”. I ask you the above questions in a hope that you will look at your life here on earth and start exercising your free will NOW to make your life happier here.

Part III coming soon

Frank

Question: What does Heaven look like on a daily basis?

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Dec 092009

What does heaven look like on a daily basis?
Even if you are an atheist, I am sure you could conjure up an image of the here-after (upstairs, not downstairs).
No, really think about it.
We have lots of different areas here on earth. How would it be in heaven? Finances. School. Occupation. Relationships (family, friends, spouse). Sex. Body. Do you have a home? How do you travel from one place to another? Is there drugs in Heaven? How about wine? TV? Cell phones? What possessions would we have and what would we not? Food for thought. Which reminds me to ask: is there food in your version of heaven?
The question (“What does Heaven look like on a daily basis?”) was one I posed to the students of Happiness 101 class on Monday night. They spent several minutes writing down their answers. It helped them learn a great deal about themselves. Heaven, after all, is the ideal happy life, is it not?
It is so important that you write down YOUR answer to the question before reading on, that I am going to refrain from posting the rest of this article for two days. Please check back after you have written your answer.
~Frank

MIXING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AND ALCOHOL CAN KILL YOU

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Dec 062009

Once upon a time, I thought warnings on my prescription bottles were more of a “guideline” or a helpful suggestion. Then I took psychopharmacology in college and it REALLY scared me because I came to have a much deeper understanding and appreciation for the deadly mixture of alcohol with drugs. It drastically magnifies the effects of the drug. Depending on the drug and the amount of alcohol consumed, the combination IS LETHAL! I am tempted to go off on a long rant about this, but I will spare you the lecture and sum it up concisely: MIXING ALCOHOL AND PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION CAN KILL YOU. PLEASE head the warning. Remember Heath Ledger.
If you want more information about exactly how this works, make a comment here
‘Nuff said
~Frank

Giving Your Life Meaning

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Dec 022009

In his book, Happier, Tal Ben-Sharer purports that to truly live a life of Happiness, one must find meaning. To completely live in the present, in his philosophy, is not sufficient for lasting happiness. Conversely, living solely for the future does not lend itself to long-term happiness. Happiness is obtained with a balance of the living in the present with an eye to the future.
What IS your purpose? How do you derive meaning in your life?
Many make the mistake of hitching their hopes of Happiness to money, prestiege, beauty or fame. These are extrinsic goals. Studies have shown these kind of goals offer little to our overall Happiness. Intrinsic goals, however, have a much better track record and include goals of internal satisfaction such as building relationships, bettering yourself and learning.
I hope this article will inspire you to ask yourself what ARE your goals? If/When attained, will they bring you true Happiness?